A Look at the Impending Doom That is our Future

The recession.
The Apocalypse.
Global Warming.
The 2012 Mayan Calendar Prediction.
TS-$&% Meteor Alert.


What do all these have in common?

They're all going to happen. And literally trillions of people will die.
But also, they're all distracting people from the real major issue facing humankind that will inevitably occur within the next...oh, I'd say 10-20 years.

And that is the growing fly population. Up until now, most people have treated flies like nuisances. Sure, you don't want it around your food, but if one's buzzing around in the house, most wouldn't even get off their butts to destroy it. And even if, perchance, they did leave their coach, they would more than likely shoo it or push it outside with small broom or something wimpy like that.

Which leads to a major cause of the rising fly population. Something I and other scientists like myself call the Shoo Factor. The Shoo Factor is the increasing likelihood that most flies will be shooed away than Slapped, Swatted, or Stomped, or as we call them, the Three S's of Fly destruction.

Through lots of scientific polling and experimentation we have figured out why the Shoo Factor is rising at such a rate.

Reason Number One. Something I call the Irresponsible Hippie Syndrome. This disease is spreading like wildfire through the United States middle-class. Its linked with the prevalent belief that all animals have souls, even teensy unimportant and gross flies. The belief that only cute animals have souls (dogs, cats, rabbits, baby hippos etc.)has been on the decline since the 80's. Unsurprisingly, the poor and rich share a greater inclination to destroy a fly. The poor due to anger and class conflict and the rich due to the lack of souls and a broad disgust for all those under them.

But some people (PETA!!!) seem to believe that all life is sacred and feel the need to shout it from the mountaintops, and the middle-class who have a desperate need to emulate hippie celebrities like Courtney Cox and others of her kind.

By now, you're probably wondering why you should be worried about excess flies.

Well, short-sighted one, lets think about the smaller effects of a fly surplus.

Have you ever been drinking something and found a fly in your cup? Yeah, me too. Its horrible, isn't it? This is especially bad for milk. I'm not sure why but whatever. I don't know about you, but when a fly gets into one of my cups, I am instantly repelled by the thought of using that certain cup in the future.

Now imagine this! Flies all up in your kitchen landing in your cups all willy-nilly. Throwing up numerous times in your milk, juice, gin, spring water etc. Horrifying.

Imagine opening the door to your kitchen cabinets and seeing cups, each one with its own painful flashback of rogue flies suicide-diving into your drinks. You realize that you have no cups that you're willing to use. So you drive to your local Wal-mart for new cups. But behold, everyone else is there buying new cups as well. And to make matters worse, flies are landing in these new cups as well.

This is the first stage of a cup shortage. The Fly-Cup index, a mathematical function I created for the purposes of this scientific article, states that the amount of usable cups has an inverse relationship to the amount of living flies. That is, as the fly population rises, the cup population plummets.

People on the telly try to fool us into believing that kids in Africa are thirsty because there's no clean water to drink. Wrong! A lie perpetrated by the liberal media. Africa is nation strangled by a cup shortage. And also AIDS.

What are you gonna use to drink your water? A plate? Ha, don't make me laugh. People will be forced to buy bottled water, which will hit Americans' pockets hard. I mean, we're already in a recession and now we have to buy $1.00 bottles of Dasani?

So the next time you see a fly. Use you hands, or your feet, or a swatter, it doesn't matter, just kill it.

The future of your children's drinks are at stake.